By Levi Reiss
We modestly offer sex advice consisting of short alphabetical pieces. We aim to improve your sex life. Each article includes at least two positive and two negative suggestions, based on words that you never thought were sexy. Review these proposals and schemes before closing your door on the way out, and once again before opening your zipper on the way in.
Quickie. I don't think I have to tell you what a quickie is. When asked what she thought about the Minutemen (Heroes of the American Revolutionary war) 1920s sex goddess Mae West said, "I like a man who takes his time." She probably never heard of a quickie. But that didn't mean she was slow.
Quim. Quim is an old-fashioned, rather vulgar word for the female genitals. In his famous book Ulysses, James Joyce said: "Ho! What do I here behold? Were you brushing the cobwebs off a few quims?" I don't recommend using this quote unless you're with an open-minded literature student or teacher. Be careful or there may be fireworks, and not the kind you were looking for.
Read. Don't be sexually illiterate; learn how to read the signs. Why curl up with a good book when you can curl up with a good reader, one who might make your toes curl. There's nothing wrong with reading in bed, it all depends on what you read. You may want to act out the scenes of a good erotic tale. You may want to act out the scenes of a bad erotic tale. Which brings us to our next word.
Rear. If you want people to follow you build yourself a good rear end. Don't think for a moment that this is a sexist comment. Most gals are interested in a guy's butt as well. No ifs, ands, or butts. It's worth going to the gym and developing your assets. As the phrase goes, "The bigger the cushion, the harder the pushing." And that's not just an old wives' tale. You need not necessarily pity someone who has been rear-ended.
And now for some things to avoid.
Quiz. Don't go around asking too many questions or you may find yourself with the wrong answers. I remember starting a let's-date conversation by asking her, "How did you like such and such a play?" When she answered, "What are you doing, taking a survey?" I knew the quiz show was over. No question of hitting the jackpot. So unless you're playing Scrabble, don't quiz.
Rage. When things go wrong don't go into a rage, even if it's all the rage. Calm yourself, especially if you want to uncalm yourselves. Mad sex is a slippery slope. Count to ten. If that's not enough to return to normal then count to sixty-nine. Don't go to bed angry. Settle down. Then you may get to settle up. Remember rage is French for rabies. And it's not the most pleasurable way to foam at the mouth.
Levi Reiss has authored or co-authored ten books on computers and the Internet, but to be honest, he would rather just drink fine wine, eat fine food, and enjoy life. He teaches classes in computers at an Ontario French-language community college. Among his many web sites he is particularly proud of his new site celebrating all kinds of love including physical love at http://www.sexsexesex.com. You will find a wide range of jokes, articles, and quotes devoted to various aspects of sex and a great collection of photos. If you don't know French, enjoy the translations. Check out his global wine website at http://www.theworldwidewine.com with his new weekly column reviewing $10 wines. |
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