By Levi Reiss
We modestly offer sex advice consisting of short alphabetical pieces. We aim to improve your sex life. Each article includes at least two positive and two negative suggestions, based on words that you never thought were sexy. Review these proposals and schemes before closing your door on the way out, and once again before opening your zipper on the way in.
Itch. Whenever you scratch your itch in public you are reducing the likelihood that someone will scratch your itch in private. Don't directly follow that advice of scratching your itch. If you do it you reduce your chances of doing it. There is something about scratching that's not quite up to scratch. So why is itch on the positive side? Use your head, not your fingers to find someone who is itching to scratch. And to be scratched. It can be contagious. I'm getting so itchy.
Intense. Don't be lukewarm; be intense. And suggest camping so you can do it in tents. Oh yes, don't be tense; especially if he or she is a Ten. It's great to be in Tens. Nines are also fine, even Eights... You may have to settle for a One on One.
Jacuzzi. Make friends. Invite them, probably one at a time, to your Jacuzzi. Tell them a bathing suit is optional. Sounds great. There's only one problem; you don't have a Jacuzzi. Problem, what problem? Make friends who have a Jacuzzi. Get invited. Tell them you understood a bathing suit is optional. Forget your bathing suit. Now there is a problem; who wants to soak in a Jacuzzi fully-clothed? But it's a start. Just don't catch a cold on the way out.
Jeopardy. Alex, I'll go for $1000 on Great Sex Heroes Of The Twenty-First Century. No, (fill in your name) is not the right answer. Now you are in the hole. Here's an idea. Strip-Jeopardy. It's played like strip-poker but with questions instead of cards. If you are really good you can make it a true Daily Double.
And now for some things to avoid.
Issue. People have issues with people who have issues. Don't bring along issues when you are out on the town. Or when you return home your only companions will be magazine issues. And make sure the pages don't stick together; that's another issue.
Jab. Don't even think of jabbing your partner. An uppercut is worse. Up her... is better. This is beginning to sound like gibberish and jabberish. Another thing you don't want to do is jab her ish. Let's not be sexist. Jabbing his ish is also a no-no. Instead of looking for no-nos what about some yes-yesses? How does that jab you?
Levi Reiss has authored or co-authored ten books on computers and the Internet, but to be honest, he would rather just drink fine wine, eat fine food, and enjoy life. He teaches classes in computers at an Ontario French-language community college. Among his many web sites he is particularly proud of his new site celebrating all kinds of love including physical love at http://www.sexsexesex.com. You will find a wide range of jokes, articles, and quotes devoted to various aspects of sex and a great collection of photos. If you don't know French, enjoy the translations. Check out his global wine website at http://www.theworldwidewine.com with his new weekly column reviewing $10 wines. |
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