By Levi Reiss
We modestly offer sex advice consisting of short alphabetical pieces. We aim to improve your sex life. Each article includes at least two positive and two negative suggestions, based on words that you never thought were sexy. Review these proposals and schemes before closing your door on the way out, and once again before opening your zipper on the way in.
Keen. Be keen in your be-keen-ee or in her be-keen-ee. Keen is a sharp edge, never dull. Don't think if you are keen there will never be a dull moment. But if you are peachy keen sometimes you can get a kick at the can. That can mean impeachment.
Kindle. Kindle is to start a little fire. Of course you don't want to approach your intended with a book of matches or a cigarette lighter. Hey buddy, have you got a light went out with the last century and didn't wait until 1999 to expire. But when you are together let your partner know that you are smoldering inside. That your wood is ready to kindle. That you wood. If Partner-to-be doesn't have a wooden head, he or she can light your fire.
Lunch. Learn to do lunch. It's less expensive than doing dinner. And it's less of a "date". If you do lunch right you can always take the afternoon off, and spend the afternoon on. Watch those martinis. If you have too many you'll want to rush back to your apartment, slip into some comfortable things, jump into bed, and sleep until morning. And heaven help anyone who gets in your way.
Look after. Look after your friends or you may be left looking after they left the party with someone else. Look after the little things. A seemingly tiny detail can weigh heavily in the balance. And take a close look after you have finished. Your partner may be looking forward to another round.
And now for some things to avoid.
Kitsch. Actually a good piece of kitsch can be a conversation starter. Try not to go for something ugly. I mean the kitsch, not the conversationalist. Once upon a time guys would offer, would you like to come up and see my etchings. Does anybody today offer to show their kitsch? That would be so, so kitsch. But you might end up kitschy-kitschy kooing. Be careful about babies. They don't respect kitsch.
Lunge. Don't lunge at your partner unless you are taking a fencing class together. He or she may misunderstand and knock you out cold. You certainly won't be hot to trot. What if you are taking a fencing class together? You should drop it, the class not the saber. You are better off going straight; straight to bed. There you can parry and thrust and may even lunge once in a while.
Levi Reiss has authored or co-authored ten books on computers and the Internet, but to be honest, he would rather just drink fine wine, eat fine food, and enjoy life. He teaches classes in computers at an Ontario French-language community college. Among his many web sites he is particularly proud of his new site celebrating all kinds of love including physical love at http://www.sexsexesex.com. You will find a wide range of jokes, articles, and quotes devoted to various aspects of sex and a great collection of photos. If you don't know French, enjoy the translations. Check out his global wine website at http://www.theworldwidewine.com with his new weekly column reviewing $10 wines. |
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