Mismatched Sex Drive

By Ava Cadell

There are several reasons why a couple may not be in the mood at the same time. It could be physical: too tired, a medical condition, or certain medications certainly affect arousal. It could be emotional: too stressed, feeling emotionally deprived by a partner, unresolved issues. It could also be just plain boredom. Look, its no secret that a relationship can get stale after a while. Just like anything else, if we don't put effort into creating a great sex life, it could all be over once the "honeymoon phase" ends. You know, the first 2-3 months (if you're lucky) in the beginning when attraction seems effortless.

According to a 2002 study by the highly respected National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, married couples say they have sex 68.5 times a year, or slightly more than once a week. That may not sound like a lot, but contrary to popular belief, married people have 6.9 more sexual encounters a year than people who have never been married. After all, you can't underestimate the value of having an (occasionally) willing partner conveniently located in bed next to you. If one member of the couple is attempting initiation, and the other constantly refuses, the person with the lower sex drive can tend to feel barraged and possibly even harassed. The one who is feeling the desire more often can feel neglected, unattractive, and unloved. Arguments occur, and the sex slowly slips away. When the sex slips away, so does the casual affection like kissing, caressing, hand holding, laughing at each others jokes, and the playfulness that comes with intimacy.

It all comes down to negotiation, communication, and making the decision to be receptive to your partner's advances. Easier said than done, but there is hope!

Step 1: Determine if both of you are being realistic. Or is one of you just plain greedy.

Step 2: Define the problem by finding out if your lover is okay. Show concern and find out what the main cause for the lack of desire is. Don't pressure or blame them, be supportive, listen and acknowledge the problem. Then ask what you can do to help make them feel better.

Step 3: Compromise so that you both get your needs met. Here are some added solutions for aligning your sex drive:

1. Make a "date night," pick a day and time, shut the door, and fully enjoy each other by appreciating the whole person without demanding or expecting a performance. Take turns initiating and organizing the date.

2. Give one another a sensual massage, caressing every inch focusing on the non sexual erogenous zones (back of the neck, navel, hips, thighs, behind the knees)

3. Bathe together; take turns washing each others backs, arms, legs, stomach, etc.

4. Set the mood. Take your time and allow your partner to get in the mood; whisper compliments in each other's ear at dinner; tell you partner what you'd like to do to him/her later that night.

5. Make intimacy a priority by putting as much time and energy into it as you do for jobs and children.

It's not like you can just sit around waiting to get in the mood. The key is foreplay. Not just what you do 2 minutes before you want to have sex, it's about setting the mood whenever you're around your partner. This can easily be done with a scratch of a back, an unpredictable kiss or a simple compliment. Games are also excellent mood setters. My Tantric Lovers' Game can get you and your partner on the same page and allow you to experience new exciting techniques that can take your relationship to a whole new level of intimacy.

Remember...never make someone else responsible for your sex drive. While you can ask for support, it's up to you to make the decision to get to where you would like to be sexually.