By Erica Goodstone, Ph.D.
In the movies, on TV, and in many popular magazines, sex is portrayed as an exciting, fun-filled adventure. Advice abounds on how to improve your sex life, make "him" want more and make "here" desire you. But in real life, for real men and real women, sex is often anything but fun and exciting. The DSM IV-TR, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, used by psychotherapists, medical professionals and insurance companies to code psychological problems, contains 17 pages describing sexual problems.
The first category of problems is called Sexual Dysfunctions. These problems include: Sexual Desire Disorders, Sexual Arousal Disorders, Orgasmic Disorders and Sexual Pain Disorders. This article focuses on the first problem: Sexual Desire Disorders.
Have you or your partner ever experienced Sexual Desire Disorder?
Sexual desire disorders are sometimes less obvious than other sexual problems. This is an internal feeling which can be masked by outward displays of affection, loving and tender words, and lots of excuses for not becoming intimate. "I'm too tired." "I have to get up early." "You're too oversexed, can't you just relax?" "This is a great TV show, book, DVD...."
With low sexual desire, sometimes you may even engage in sexual contact just to placate your partner. But after awhile, your partner will probably begin to feel unloved and rejected. This might lead to your partner demanding more touching and sexual expressions than you are willing to give. It often becomes a predictable dance of one person withholding sexual passion and the other becoming more and more needy, grabby and demanding.
The person with low sexual desire begins to feel backed into a corner, pressured, used, obligated, and annoyed. But the person desiring sexual contact sometimes feels even worse: rejected, frustrated, "horny," on edge, angry, irritable, humiliated and depressed.
Although high sexual desire is not currently listed as a problem in the DSM IV-TR, it can feel like a huge problem to a partner with average, but lower, desire. The partner with lower desire can feel pressured and manipulated so that sex becomes a burden and an obligation, rather than a pleasurable and joyful activity.
What is the solution for Desire Discrepancy?
In my experience, desire problems do not just "go away." Over time, the feelings tend to escalate for each partner. Gradually, what may have started as a loving, affectionate couple, becomes two separate people who are physically and emotionally distant and unhappy.
What happens when two people are together but feeling isolated, lonely, frustrated and unhappy? Some will escape facing the relationship problem by focusing all their energy on their work, family, children, friends, physical activity or hobbies. Others will turn to less healthy, even addictive habits, such as alcohol, recreational drugs, prescription drugs, gambling, internet connections and other ways to escape facing their current reality. And some will escape into the arms of another lover, usually just a temporary fix that can make the problems worse.
The only solution, as I see it, is to acknowledge that you have a problem. A relationship is a unique entity, separate from each individual, requiring the input and attention of both individuals. If each person goes their own way, in isolation, escaping from the issues that involve both people, it is no longer a relationship.
Once each of you has acknowledged that you have a problem, you are beginning the process of finding a solution. First, each partner can review their own past history of enjoyable sexual encounters, with each other and with prior partners. Rediscover for yourself what made sex exciting, interesting, fun and joyful (or painful) for you in the past. Discuss with your partner what each of you has discovered. Ask each other what pleases and displeases, arouses or dulls your sexual appetites. Find a common ground, something you both enjoy, and start there.
Often, both people are not able to communicate so clearly with each other. That's when a psychotherapist can help. There is no shame or sense of failure in seeking help for an acknowledged problem. In fact, it is the most successful people in life who do seek help. It is the unsuccessful people who would rather keep doing something painful "my way" rather than getting help to do things in a more effective way.
The question to ask is not: What am I doing wrong?
The question to ask is, How can I make things better?
And sometimes you don't have the answer all by yourself. Discover what you really want and then choose the best way to attain that, even, and especially, if it's something you have never done before.
Dr. Erica Goodstone has helped thousands of men, women, couples, and groups to develop greater awareness of the issues in their relationships, their sexuality, and their lives, to overcome and alleviate stressors and discords, and revitalize their relationships and their own mind-body-spirit connection. Dr. Goodstone can be contacted through her web sites at http://www.DrEricaWellness.com and http://SexualReawakening.com |
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