Sexuality Tips For You.

September 14, 2008

Success is Sexy - Unless it Goes to Your Head

By Luke Jackson

As far as your attractiveness to women is concerned, there may be nearly as much hazard in becoming successful and thumping yourself on the chest for it as in failing to make anything of yourself.

"In the higher echelons of business, you'll get these men who seem to have completely lost their sex appeal," said Carla, a 54-year-old business executive from Connecticut. "They are totally egoistical, totally selfish, totally self-involved. They think they're terribly attractive to women, but they're not."

We want to tell you a story that takes this whole success-object idea and stands it on its head. This is the story of Patricia, a 41-year-old financial analyst.

Patricia was 25 when she met her husband. Back then, he was the antithesis of a success object. "He was very laid back," she recalled. "No motivation at all." He wasn't a bum, exactly. He was a science teacher at his alma mater, a Catholic high school. But he also played guitar in a wedding band. He had a great sense of humor, he enjoyed life, and as Patricia said, "he did not have a dime to his name. He lived in an apartment that I was afraid to park my car in front of. He wore his dead uncle's old suit. He coached track and basketball. His goals were to have fun and be a good teacher and a good coach. He was a really good coach. I loved the fact that he was so into coaching. He was into the kids."

And that was the guy I fell in love with, a guy who loved music and kids and wrote her poetry and sent her flowers and cards. "He wooed me. He went after me big-time. One time, he drove to Pittsburgh after classes just to take me out to dinner." At 28, she married him, knowing that, as she said, "I'd have to work, probably, for the rest of my life. But that was okay, because I was doing something I liked.

"I never dreamed he'd be the way he turned out... obsessed with success."

Patricia is the kind of woman who you would expect would seek out a success object. She was and is traditional gal, the daughter of upper-middle-class parents, who never sought to establish an identity based on an independent career. "I was raised to be a volunteer and stay home and keep the house clean and raise kids and have a social life," she said. "Although I like my job, I do believe I would be happier as a stay-at-home mom." If she married this guy, that wasn't going to happen. But she could deal with that.

Then he got on the fast track. At the urging of his department head, he applied to graduate school, was accepted, and got straight A's. After graduating with a Ph.D. in chemistry, he got multiple job offers. Now he's a corporate hotspot. A success.

So is she happier? No. The fact is, they're separated. The likelihood that they'll get back together, she said, is slim. "He is totally consumed with his job and career."

Does Patricia think success is sexy? He answer surprised us:

It is. It is. But there's a fine line... When it's all you think about, when all that's there is this obsession, it's very unattractive. If you lose yourself to that success, if you lose everything that's good about you because success is all you're focused on, that's not attractive at all.

You know by now that a woman's heart can comfortably seat a hundred contradictions. So you shouldn't be all that surprised to hear, from Patricia and others, that no, you don't have to be successful, but yes, success is sexy, but no, not if you go overboard. She's glad you've gotten your "success act" together, but now she wants to see how well you pull it off. Just how do you do that?


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