By Erica Goodstone, Ph.D.
Are you or your partner trying to understand whether pornography is just an innocent pastime or a truly destructive behavior that can destroy an otherwise substantially good relationship? Have you thought about what is actually going on?
Have you said to yourself or to your partner:
• What's the problem with a little harmless fantasy?
• At least I'm at home, not out at bars or cheating with someone else.
• Don't you find me attractive anymore?
• Why don't you desire me sexually?
Clinicians, researchers, intimate partners, and family members are now beginning to express concern about what has already become an epidemic of addiction to internet pornography and the many images portrayed. Relationships are being destroyed, families are being torn apart, careers and lifestyles are taking a downward turn - all because of this "innocent" time spent typing on a keyboard and looking at a computer screen.
What makes internet addiction even more deadly than most of us realize is that the images of pornography remain in the brain forever, unlike addictive chemical substances such as cocaine and alcohol which will leave the body system after a certain period of abstinence. Once you have allowed your mind to find pleasure and even sexual release while observing these highly charged sexual images, it can become increasingly difficult to find real pleasure in ordinary sex with your very ordinary, real life partner. Even if your intimate partner is extremely sexy, attractive, appealing, sexual and loving, your brain may begin to reject this real person in favor of the fantasy images you have been watching.
What is going on and why is this happening?
Couples, families and individuals of all ages are being affected by the use of pornography. Research indicates that the majority of internet users seeking help for problematic online sexual behavior are married heterosexual males. This seemingly harmless and very time-consuming "leisure" activity has been associated with an increase in marital distress due to such factors as: decreased intimacy and sexual satisfaction, infidelity, devaluing of marriage and family, and increasing interest in more graphic, abusive and even illegal images and practices. However, at a recent Marriage and Family Therapy conference, several clinicians shared that many of their most recent clients with concerns about their own cybersex activities were religious leaders: ministers, rabbis, and priests. Has this little "harmless fantasy" gone too far?
Internet addiction, with or without a strong sexual component, often leads to a great deal of isolation, not just for the person involved with the internet but also for their intimate partners, children, family, and friends. In the recent Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (cited in Psychologytoday.com), researchers have found that isolation in rats leads to lowered levels of a brain enzyme which is important for reducing stress. Without this hormone, levels of aggression, anxiety and fear cannot be modulated. The researchers claim that isolation has a similar affect upon the human brain.
At its simplest level, spending too much time at the computer deprives couples of intimate time together and leaves children feeling neglected and unsupervised. But adding the element of increasingly graphic and even abusive pornographic images, intimate and sexual dialogue with anonymous strangers via email and telephone, and then sometimes taking the next step of meeting and consummating a sexual encounter in person, makes this "harmless" online fantasy a more serious threat to the user's entire life.
What causes someone to become addicted to pornography?
Clinicians suggest that unresolved family trauma is the root cause of most personal and relationship problems, including compulsive and addictive behaviors. Most of us have experienced disappointments, painful events, even mild to severe traumas at some point in our lives. Whether we seek to understand and resolve our emotional conflicts or choose to hide from our problems through denial, fantasy, addictions, or avoidance of intimacy, can affect our families and our lives indefinitely. Healing from any wound, physical, psychological, or emotional, may involve pain and certainly requires a certain amount of time. We cannot bypass or avoid the healing process. We must allow the process to take its course.
For someone participating in uncontrollable, compulsive and ultimately destructive activities, early family traumas and conflicts have probably not been resolved. Life stresses may feel overwhelming and unbearable. Instead of addressing the causes of the life stress, the internet pornography is used in much the same way an addict uses a chemical substance.
• First, it offers a sense of excitement and anticipation, the fantasy of a quick and easy escape from the current mental and emotional pressure. During the activity there is a feeling of exhilaration and even euphoria. For a brief period of time, life feels better.
• At this point, the internet addiction offers the user a sense that he or she can control the activity, can choose the time and place, and can stop at any time.
• But as the addiction progresses, tolerance builds so that one hour of pornography is no longer enough and the addict requires longer and longer sessions to produce the same stress relief. The addict attempts to stop watching the porn, but the longer the addict waits, the greater the "high" when he or she logs on again.
• Gradually, there is this added sense of shame, guilt, embarrassment, and even self hatred, as the addict discovers it is impossible to control or discontinue the increasingly destructive activity.
If you think you or your partner is becoming addicted to pornography, do not wait any longer. Seek help for yourself first and, if your partner is willing, encourage him or her to also seek help (privately and in joint sessions with you).
Dr. Erica Goodstone has helped thousands of men, women, couples, and groups to develop greater awareness of the issues in their relationships and their lives, to overcome and alleviate stressors and discords, and revitalize their relationships and their own mind-body-spirit connection. Dr. Goodstone can be contacted through her web sites at http://www.DrEricaWellness.com and http://www.SexualReawakening.com |
